genuinely, I'm scared of my lack of ambition

I’m scared that I may have discouraged myself plenty of times that I simply learned not to want anything so strongly.

My lack of ambition scares me because I see driven people everywhere. In fact, I consume media on the daily about people making their way into the world with their ambitions and passion, and I genuinely feel like I’m missing out on something huge.

I don’t have big dreams, I don’t crave a grand life. I only want slow, peaceful mornings in my own peaceful space, with books, coffee and my beloved cat. I just want to live a happy and simple life, but then again maybe that in itself is so expensive in this time and age.

My lack of ambition scares me because I know I’m also prone to want. I love spoiling myself with good food, good books, good furniture, good experiences, and those do not come cheap. Nothing today is cheap.

My lack of ambition scares me because I know that there is a whole more to this world that I wanted to see and explore. It scares me that I am losing my curiosity, my thirst for the unknown.

My lack of ambition scares me because I know someone who is so disappointed with the way she lived her life and I do not want to be that miserable. I’m scared with the thought that maybe it wasn’t that I do not have the ambition to begin with, but rather that I have killed it unknowingly. I’m scared that I may have discouraged myself plenty of times that I simply learned not to want anything so strongly.

My lack of ambition scares me because I know that future is uncertain, and things that we least expect will most probably happen, thus it’s better to always be prepared to take on life. It scares me that my not pursuing big things will lead me to a harder future, that I’m setting my life up for failure.

My lack of ambition scares me because I know my pride. I know how much I hate asking for help. I’m aware of how much it would take from me to ask someone for something and I’m not subjecting myself to that.

So perhaps I’d work still even without an ambition driving me forward, if only to protect my pride and spoil myself sick with material things. Maybe this will work out, after all.

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